Vampire Bat: I Vant to Drink Your Blooood (no, really)

Good evening. It is I, Vampire Bat. You may have heard talk of me before; my reputation often precedes me, for I am super scary. I hope that you are well and pulsing full of blood this morning. I have written to the slimy ocean creature to tell the world of my kind. For though it is true that I thirst for your arteries at night, there are many in my order who pose no threat and should not be feared, as they play an important role. But first, I will tell you about myself, Desmodus rotundus, the great hematophagist before whom you should cower.

Desmodus rotundus: The Scariest of the Bats

I am the only known parasitic mammal, and therefore am the most evil of all mammals. I roost with my large and fearsome family in the darkest depths. We make our home in caves, where we bond closely with one another. We watch after our own, even those among us that are orphaned. Just because we are the only species of bat to do this doesn't make us nice! Nor does sharing food with friends who are hungry; we can only live for one or two days without eating, so we sometimes share, to our own detriment, with those who do not have enough. Not that this is a nice thing to do! We are pure evil!

We long to feast upon the blood of the living. We hunt only in the blackest of the night, creeping slowly upon the ground toward our unsuspecting victim. We can walk, run, and hop, which isn't cool or cute, it is terrifying, for you will never hear us coming.

I can hear if you are asleep, and smell the warmth of your delicious, blood-filled arteries. You cannot hide, for our vision is also excellent. You will not feel my bite for my teeth are that sharp.

No, it's not a big bite, it doesn't have to be big to be scary. It's a scarily tiny bite, from which I will lap your blood with my specialized tongue. My saliva will help to keep your blood from coagulating, so I can drink up to half my body weight. By the time I'm done I tower before you at a terrifying 1.5 - 2 ounces! And my saliva will help with the treatment of your stroke patients! Fear me!

Chiroptera: The (mostly non-terrifying) Order of Bats

Terrible and terrifying though I may be, others of my order have a different approach, but still get a bad rap. Megabats, my fruit eating kin, and microbats, those that echolocate, help pollinate flowers, spread fruit seeds, and reduce insect populations. I am almost ashamed to say, they are not frightening at all. Though I shudder at the very thought, some might say they are . . . cute. Flying Foxes, the largest of the fruit eating megabats, seem to get along well with your kind:

And 70% of bats are insectavores, grabbing bugs out of the sky in a neat, non-scary fashion:

So, bloodbags, go and live in blissful harmony with these mild, helpful bats, and save your chiroptophobia for the creature that is truly terrifying: the REAL me:

Face your fears and learn more about me and other bats

• http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bats
• http://www.batconservancy.org/
• http://batconservation.webs.com/batfacts.htm
• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGn77KJwa3s

Hi readers, Giant Pacific Octopus here. Is there a creature you would like to see featured? Let me know in the comments!